$pent Millennial

“I am scared of the upcoming week. So, trying to bake away the Sunday Scaries.”  This is a message I sent to a friend last Sunday afternoon as I dragged myself away from the TV to prep cookie dough and no-bake cheesecake. I have been facing Sunday Scaries since I can remember. Even before joining the workforce and building a career, it was the Sunday night panic to complete homework I had put off all weekend and prepare for the upcoming school week. When I was teaching, the Sunday Scaries were especially strong. So much to prep for the upcoming week. Lately, I have gotten better at managing the Sunday Scaries through mindfulness, career alignment, and (honestly) a pretty awesome and flexible work culture that fits me well and allows me to ease into Mondays. But some weeks, it sneaks up on me. 

That’s what happened this past Sunday. The cause of the extra heavy sense of dread as I entered the week was warranted. After all, this was the week I would be found out, the week where I would fail, mess up, embarrass myself and the organization, lose us opportunities and miss important deadlines causing us to miss more opportunities setting into motion a domino effect of ramifications too dreadful to even think of… This was the week I was to be discovered as the imposter I am. My lack of skills, credentials, qualifications and competence was about to show itself- and all at once. What luck!? 

Dramatic, much? Maybe. But this is where my mind goes when I am faced with particularly big, important, new and/or challenging tasks. And this week, held quite a lineup. Each one poked at my Imposter Syndrome until it reared its big ugly head like an angry and hungry beast I have attempted to starve out and lock in a dungeon.

Ahh, good old “Imposter Syndrome”, the popularly unpopular “diagnosis”- for lack of a better word – for the belief that you do not deserve, have not earned or are somehow not “smart”, “good”, “skilled” or otherwise qualified enough for what you have accomplished or for roles and opportunities you are presented with. The term refers to the dread of being “found out” as underqualified for your role fueled by feelings that you have only achieved what you have and gotten where you are by luck, deception or accident. You have fooled others into believing in you and are now stuck walking a tightrope while balancing a ball on your nose in an attempt to keep up the act. 

Whether you love the term, or hate it, the fact is, the term allows us to name these fears and feelings so many of us face, giving us a common language with which to speak about it. Through speaking, we foster discussion and community around shared experiences and struggles. We no longer feel so alone. But, it is not enough to just discuss it. After all talk is just talk, and, as the saying goes, talk is cheap. 

We can sit and discuss the power systems in play and how they contribute to women and people of color experiencing “Imposter Syndrome” at higher rates. We can get into the inequities that exist and the unfair burden put on already disempowered and disenfranchised individuals, but that is not what I seek to do here. Those are important conversations to have, but they are still just conversations. These conversations would put the responsibility back on others, which is warranted, but I am impatient- likely, to a fault. As such, I tend to be much less interested in convincing other people to do things that should be done than I am in finding a way to get it done myself. If I am sitting in a burning building, I am not going to sit and wait for whoever set it on fire to come back and save me. I am going to find a way to save myself, or die trying. 

I have always been this way, never a fan of waiting for someone else to solve my problems. When I was younger, I would play Mario Bros and would get so annoyed with Princess Peach bopping around all helpless, waiting for Mario to kill Bowser. I thought to myself that she should just save her own self instead of waiting for Mario or Luigi. – after all, Mario and Luigi never struck me as especially competent themselves. 

So now, all these years later, I make a point of actively killing my own Bowser when he rears his ugly head in the form of Imposter Syndrome. 

In order to take down my imposter syndrome, I first needed to understand what fuels it, so that I could cut off its power at the source. I found my imposter syndrome is largely fueled by internal voices of self-doubt and envy. 

Self-Doubt, that voice whispering in my ear that reminds me of all my missteps- real and perceived- and counters any and all ambitions that come to mind. It pipes up when someone recommends me for something or praises my work, quick to reply with things like “That’s because they don’t know about  that time….” or “They are just being nice. It is a pity offer”.

As self-doubt ignites the flame, it enlists the support of envy who drenches its target in lighter fluid. The partners in crime scroll through an internal rolodex of all who could and would do it better than I can. Their work plays out like a slideshow presentation of thoughts like, “She is so much more eloquently spoken than I am.” or “She is a winner, she is confident and has a much more sophisticated resume than I do. She is the one they want, not me. They should give it to her”. These thoughts catch a blaze, stoking the fire of comparison, which in turn burns into raging flames of… more envy and self-doubt. The cycle creates a lose-lose situation where I not only count myself out, but also burn bridges with could-be partners by turning them into competitors- even when they have no idea I have created an envy and comparison-fueled dichotomy of me vs them- existing only in my own mind.

Self-doubt and envy feed us stories about ourselves- stories that may or may not be true at the time which they are told. Regardless of their truth or untruth, these stories and their messages get stuck in our heads on a loop. The mind will eventually believe what it is constantly being told, and so these thoughts become beliefs that we hold about ourselves. 

A fixed mindset molds those beliefs in concrete, cementing them in our minds until they become a defining facet of our identities. Have you ever said something like, “Well, I am just not good at math, so I don’t do the household budget”, or “I’m too shy for public speaking”? I have. And I do. 

Fixed mindset is something I struggle with. Even as an educator who knows and truly believes in the power of yet, when it comes to how I view myself I find it hard to fight the dichotomous belief of either I am, or I am not. Either I am “smart” (meaning I somehow just automatically know and can do everything already) or I am not. I am “good at” something, or I am not. Now, when I type it out like this, it obviously sounds ridiculous. And I would never say or even believe these things about others, but somehow it is harder to convince when it is myself I am talking to. So, I engage in the self-sabotage of defining myself in terms of fixed-mindset ideas of who I am and am not, what I know and don’t know, what I can do and can’t do. 

Imagine a self-image illustrated with self-doubt and envy, cemented with a fixed mindset that has decided, once and for all, all that I am not capable of. This eternal self-portrait leaves little room or opportunity for growth and  instead encourages self-rejection. 

Self- rejection takes you out of the running before you even have a chance to be selected, talking yourself out of trying for an opportunity – no matter how much you might want it. This can be big, like not submitting for a job opportunity you want or small, like not speaking up in a meeting when you have something to say. Big or small, when we self-reject, we take ourselves out of the game and deny ourselves a chance to grow into capabilities and opportunities- often ones which we desperately want. 

This avoidance often seems safe and cozy, for a while. Staying in my lane, not leaving my comfort zone. I know what I am good at, and I am darn good at it! Top of my game! Maybe this is enough for some people. I don’t know, but it isn’t for me. I get restless. I get bored. And then, I get bitter. I want more. The longer I stay in avoidance, the easier it gets to stay there (like a quicksand- or warm cozy bed on a cold morning), and it gets harder to pull myself out and put myself out there. But, I know myself, and I know that eventually being “comfortable” becomes extremely uncomfortable for me. And so, I throw off the covers and get on with it. One foot in front of the other. I take on the self-doubt, envy, comparison and self-rejection. 

Okay, but how? How do you tear the covers off and face the growth challenges with those incessant voices pulling you back under? I’ll share what works for me.

Sometimes I drone out the voices and thoughts with my Shattered Spotify playlist filled with Girl Boss songs. Other times, I seek other sources of information, beyond their naysaying, through meditation or prayer, channeling into something bigger that knows my path and purpose are much, much bigger than whatever outcome the singular event or task holds. Because if I am being honest, usually whatever it is that stands in front of me that day or week is in the grand scheme… not that big of a deal. Finally, I do my best not to let it overwhelm me. I don’t give it permission to own my entire week, or day. I fill my time with intentional, mindful activities that deserve my attention and bring me peace, joy and balance., confronting the events and tasks that engage my negative self-talk for only as much time is necessary to prepare (but not over-think) and tackle them. Even if my routine needs to be adapted for the day,  I keep key moments for myself, like waking up early for coffee time with the doggo and breakfast with Jesse. 

And so, that’s just what I did this week. I just kept throwing off the warm, cozy covers each morning. I fueled up on caffeine, countered the negative thoughts as best I could, balanced what I gave my time and attention to and put one foot in front of the other until I reached the end of the castle where my Bowser stood. 

One day my Bowser was a workshop where I not only attended, but contributed. I spoke up- even when others didn’t, raising points that I found important. And you know what? Others agreed. Someone even said, “I was thinking the same thing, was just waiting for someone else to speak first”. 

The next Bowser was a presentation- I am not a fan. But, I did my darn best when it came to my part, and I think it went well, at least well enough. I haven’t been told my services are no longer needed. If that is the standard we are marking success by, so be it. 

I met my deadline on a grant proposal for an exciting project. Was it perfect? Probably not? Was it good enough? I don’t know, we will see. But it was my darn best. 

And for my final Bowser of the week, I post this reflection. I know it isn’t perfect. It is clunky and doesn’t read or flow as well as I would like. But, in the name of choosing progress over perfection and keeping to the posting schedule I have made for myself, I will post it. In all its imperfections, just as I will take on whatever this week throws to me.

It might not be…”sexy”. But that’s what I got for you. Throw off the covers, balance your thoughts, be intentional with your attention, put one foot in front of the other, and face your Bowser. Take it on yourself and do your darn best. Face it til you make it. 

Whatever your “Bowser” this week, I will be there with you in spirit, one foot in front of the other, doing your darn best. You are qualified just as you are. That is how you got this far. What it takes is already in you. Who needs Mario or Luigi anyways? 

As always, feel free to reach out and share your Bowser of Bowsers of this upcoming week. Comment them here, email hello@spentmillennial.com or tag me @spentmillennial on Instagram. I can’t wait to see all that you achieve by doing your darn best!