$pent Millennial

By a show of hands, who made a resolution at the beginning of the year? 

It’s me, hi.  I made some resolutions. Now, I have lived enough in my 30 years here on Earth to know that there is no use declaring perfect eating, exercising, or living come January 1st. After all, the only thing that changes significantly and immediately upon the strike of Midnight is the digit we write at the end of the date. 

So, instead, I committed to keeping the good, leaving the less-good and pursuing more good. Simple enough. 

One of the “more good” pursuits I set for the year was increased accountability- to myself, community, and the Universe. As is the case with most resolutions, the resolve to commit to such a pursuit was based in a feeling of lack in the previous years. 

You see, I think big, dream big, love big. But, my follow-through on these big thinks, dreams, and love could use improvement. 

For one thing, details- in all honesty- bore me to death. But, we need the details. We need the small, intentional steps that build to create the big thinks, big dreams, and big love. Ironically, a big part of my day job revolves around details. Detailed budgets, narratives, plans, reports, etc. And I do it well- because I have to. But all that detailing 9 to 5 (or some days 8 to 7) burns me out. After long days, weeks, and months of detailing out the necessary, I lose interest, energy and brain capacity to detail out my big thinks, dreams, and ideas.

It’s not just the details. Trying to tackle big dreams and ideas is hard. It takes dedication, planning, and intentional action- not to mention courage, persistence, and grit. All of which often seems like just a bit too much for me at the end of a long day, week, or month. 

Instead, I curl up with some carbs covered in cheese and stuff my face while watching true crime documentaries, 90 Day Fiance, or some binge-watch of the moment. I don’t even bother looking for details to solve crimes or predict outcomes anymore. I just lounge lethargically waiting for the smart people on the TV to explain it to me- possibly twice if I have to re-wind because I was also checking Instagram while watching. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not coming for the lazy days. I still make time for this at least once a weekend and before bed each night. We all need them! However, I got to a point where I spent enough of my free time doing this very thing that it was no longer replenishing or energizing. It became more draining. I wasn’t curing my burnout because I wasn’t nurturing my soul. Even when attempting to relax and disconnect, I could never fully enjoy it. because in the back of my mind, those big dreams and ideas were nagging at me. They wanted their time. 

And so, to make a long story less-long, this year I have committed to the pursuit of accountability. 

In a previous post, I defined what exactly this new-found accountability would look like, feel like, and how it would be measured. Here I will give an update on how it’s going. 

Accountability at Work: 

Over the past month, I have implemented more diligent backward planning into work goals to track progress and work towards meeting deadlines. I set up SMART goals for the year which I broke into quarterly SMART goals that I track with “Weekly Wins” tracking and daily time blocking habits that keep me on task and (hopefully) on target. 

I enjoy a work environment and culture that is not excessively micro-managed, and so it is on me to set myself up for success. I believe these accountability tools will help me stay on track for success for the year. 

Accountability to the Community:

One area where I felt I needed to increase my accountability was to a local community/ neighborhood organization of which I am on the Board of Directors. I care deeply about (love big) the community. Big ideas and dreams for how I can best support the organization/community often float into my head. I mean well (really, really well), but when it comes to following through, I too often disappoint the community (and myself). And so, this year I have been working to better dedicate and share my time, talents, and treasure (although very limited). 

It isn’t perfect. I haven’t gotten to the center as much as I want, but I have participated in all mandatory meetings and have shared additional information and resources, offering up additional time and services. It is a work in progress, but I am trying. 

In addition to this Board work, I am working on ways to better incorporate my community work and dedication through my day job. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to innovate and ideate on ways to bring the two passions and purposes together. So, I am looking for additional opportunities, resources, and connections through work and time outside of work to cultivate those connections and relationships. 

Finally, there is this community – the $pent Millennial community. Small as it might be. I don’t really know how many people read the blogs or view my social posts. But, I have heard from a few people who are paying a bit of attention. That feels good. Not in an ego “look at me” type of way, but in a way that validates the idea that possibly some of the things I am thinking, experiencing, wondering about, and working on might resonate with others. Maybe seeing other people have the same experiences, worries, concerns, struggles helps- just a little. Just in case, I am committed to staying accountable in sharing these experiences, feelings, and struggles. 

Accountability to Myself: 

When it comes to accountability to myself, the end result is much of what was shared above. When I am accountable to myself, I show up for the big thinks, dreams, and love, and it results in accountability to work projects and community engagement, support, and development. 

However, the acts of accountability to self go beyond the completion of performance goals for work or the acts of showing up in community. Although that is often where they end, they start much smaller. 

Accountability to myself starts with

• The decision each morning to take the 10 minutes pre-coffee for meditation
• Taking the 30+ minutes for body-positive movement and exercise
• Responding to an opportunity that intimidates me 
• Sending the email – even when it scares me 
• Intentionally replacing voices of self-doubt with positive ones
• Continuing even when I am tired. 
• Continuing even when I am unsure 
• Speaking up- even if  especially when my voice shakes
• Facing it 
• Admitting when you don’t know something, but seeking out how to learn
• Admitting when you are/were/ might be wrong
• Practicing the pause 
• Asking yourself if opportunities align with your values, priorities, goals
• Saying ‘yes’- even when you don’t want to 
• Saying ‘no’- when you do or don’t want to 
• Making mistakes, making them right
• And so, so much more… 

And in case the above list didn’t make it clear, accountability isn’t all high-fives, congratulations, and satisfaction of a job well done. More often than not, it feels less good. When it feels less good is when it gets hard to keep at it. 

Here are a few ways I have encountered accountability feeling less good: 

1. The nudget of annoyance and impatience when it is 4:30 am, and I really, really just want my latte, but I have committed to pre-coffee affirmations with breathwork and meditation

2. The fear of missing out as others make plans for weekend hikes and activities, but I have committed the time to budgeting and blogging

3. The envy that fills my nostrils and stomach when co-workers bring in their delicious-smelling take-out for lunch, and I am committing to my PB&J or protein shake from home

4. The post-meeting awkwardness I feel after I share my thoughts, ideas, feelings in a meeting. Suddenly I have no recollection of what I said, how I said it, why I said it. I ruminate on how people took it, understood it, feel about it, think about me. I probably sounded crazy, stupid, self-indulgent…Who was I to say anything anyway? I don’t know anything about anything. I got here by mistake… Imposter Syndrome, take it away! But, I committed to showing up, speaking up, and putting myself out there. So, I have to just keep showing up, speaking up, and putting myself out there- even if especially when it is outside my comfort zone. 

So there it is. My messy, terrifying and exciting experiences with accountability so far this year. I don’t have a nice bow to wrap this up in… But hey, it is only February, and this is me trying.