In general, I tend to live in nuance. I am able to take perspective, consider various points of view, and live in the grey, allowing for understanding nuance and circumstance. But there is one place where I struggle and fall into black-and-white thinking: spending and saving. I still associate spending with “bad” and saving with “good,” no matter how many episodes of Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You to Be Rich I watch.
Even when my spending is conscious, planned, and budgeted, I end up sinking into a dark place when it comes time to record it in my tracker. Ramit might push me on why I track it if it was decided, bucketed, and planned, but tracking is part of my personal accountability and record-keeping. It keeps me grounded and conscious of my spending. Maybe it’s a bit of a control issue—I’ll admit it.
I fell victim to this thinking this weekend.
These past few weeks, I have spent a little more than usual. That was the plan, and I even had the funds to cover these planned expenses.
Father’s Day
I had a wonderful day celebrating my dad. I picked him and my brother up from the local pool where they swam, and told them we could go anywhere for lunch/dinner—my treat. They picked a favorite place where they enjoy the food and staff, and we had a wonderful time. I didn’t regret a moment of it. I didn’t even worry about the bill because I knew I had planned for it. It was in the budget and I could afford it. The money was already set aside in my holiday sinking fund.
And that felt great. That felt like the whole reason I got my finances in order in the first place—to have that kind of guilt-free experience where I could enjoy the moment fully without thinking twice about the dollar amount attached.
Found Money
An unexpected source of funds came my way this past month. I decided to close an old bank account that I wasn’t using anymore. I wasn’t sure if I had any funds in it or if I might even have to pay some fees. The free spirit in me had forgotten about it and ignored it for a good five years. Now that I am in my 30s and trying to get myself a bit more together, I figured I would close it.
Well, when I finally got into the account, I got a nice little surprise. There was a bit of money in there that I hadn’t expected. I decided to save about half of it and spend the other half on things I had been putting off for quite some time but really should invest in.
These included new clothes (I hadn’t bought new clothes in, literally, years), therapy through Better Help which I have been meaning to try but never “had the money,” and whatever else I wanted to “blow” it on. I deserved to let off some financial steam after a few years of tight budgeting and goal-crushing!
Clothes:
Over the past few weeks, I got a few pieces of clothing for my “new” style, working on intentionally getting some staples and pieces that would help me get back to my authentic self. I picked out some comfortable pairs of pants (from the men’s section—so many pockets!) that spoke to a style and aesthetic I like, paired with some simple t-shirts.
I also got new scrunchies to wear as a type of bracelet—something I was doing before they came back into style (thank you very much)—and some nail polish and personal garments that I was in desperate need of.
It felt good to take care of myself.
Therapy:
Speaking of taking care of myself, I have been meaning to try therapy through Better Help or something similar for a long time but could never find the money or time. A close friend shared a link that gave me two free weeks (which I slept on). If I continued, it would give my friend a discount. Now, I can get myself therapy if it helps someone else, right? (I’m sure this will be a great starting point for my first session this week…)
Celebratory Treats:
I’ve had a lot to celebrate over the past few weeks. I have been acting all Taylor Swift, breaking it off with people and things that were no longer serving me, trying, and sparkling through it all. So, yes, I bought myself some “little treats.”
Old Patterns
Yet, when it came time to track my spending last weekend and again this weekend, those same feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and scarcity came creeping back up. I told myself that the low balance in my spending account was due to me “overspending,” and acting “frivolously”. Ignoring the fact that I had allocated funds in various sinking funds for these exact expenses, I guilted myself.
The thought of moving the funds from my nice little sinking funds that have been stacking up felt like a failure. It felt like I was robbing Peter to pay Paul. Even though Peter owed Paul his money back. It was the plan. It was a deal.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to transfer the funds.
Old Stories
So, instead, I leaned on old stories, telling myself I had been irresponsible and overspending. I planned to live frugally for the upcoming week to “fix” things, relying on my ability to live broke, as I had done in the past.
This narrative has served me well. It is my own “heros journey” of personal finance and financial independence. It has helped me overcome financial challenges, but it has also caused me to lose parts of myself. I want to reconnect with the part of me that knows how to spend consciously and joyfully.
The key, as Ramit Sethi advises, is conscious spending. I can afford to spend on things that align with my values and bring me joy, as long as I plan and budget for them.
A Conscious Decision
So today, as part of my Sunday tracking, I forced myself to pull up the savings accounts where I have the buckets of money for these expenses. And I transferred it into my spending account.
This week, instead of living on $0 until payday, I will:
- Pay for another week of therapy services through Better Help.
- Buy groceries based on my remaining food budget, feeling a sense of abundance.
- Breathe—relax and not stress over small expenses like parking or an occasional coffee.
By consciously spending, I aim to strike a balance between saving and enjoying life. It’s a journey, but one that’s worth taking.
$pent Millennial 
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