$pent Millennial

A few years ago I completely fell in love with Tara Schuster’s book Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies. I loved it SO much that I recommended it to everyone. I even bought it for my sister as an apartment-warming gift to celebrate her new journey in apartment renting. Through all of my decluttering of bookshelves (crates) in my cramped 1 bedroom apartment, I could never part with that book. Until I decided to give my copy to my other sister for her 27th? (I’m terrible with ages) birthday in an effort to encourage her to embrace life as she matured into her lat(er) twenties. A gift I now regret giving because it is probably thrown on a shelf or in the trunk of her car never to be properly appreciated…

At least my other sister who I gifted a copy to seems to have embraced it, possibly even better than I have, with fresh flowers displayed in her apartment each week (while I struggle to shell out the money for a new deodorant when mine runs out). I’m a work in progress…And, don’t worry. I use my boyfriend’s. 

Anyway, this same sister (fresh flower sister, not car trunk sister) who told me that Tara Schuster had a new book out called Glow in the F*cking Dark.  Now, that sounded like a book I needed! So, my sister kindly lent me her copy because I currently have too many new books sitting unopened or half-finished on my shelf for me to justify buying another. Borrowing the book gives it priority since I want to return it to my sister in a timely manner, or at least within this decade (unlike car trunk sister..). But, I digress from the point. The point is, I am reading Schuster’s new book. (Wow, 3 paragraphs to spit out that sentence. Chat GPT will tell me to cut it down. But, I’m not going to. Take that, AI. It’s my blog, and I’ll ramble if I want to). 

This past week I read a chapter on Schuster’s journey with meditation. And in reading this chapter, I found peace and validation in all the things I phoned in, put off, or completely dropped the ball on this past week. So, in this long, meandering post I will share with you some things I phoned in, pushed off, or completely dropped the ball on this week. And how according to me (and my parasocial “friend” Tara Schuster) doing so is the type of LowKey Thriving self-care we should all embrace a little more often. 

1. Good-Enough Meditation: Not everything has to always ever be “perfect”

This year I made meditation one thing I wanted to do more of. So, I made daily meditation each morning before coffee an important part of my routine. The past few weeks, I have been TIRED. So, instead of hopping out of bed, feeding my dog, and starting on coffee before meditating, I have been staying in bed an extra 10 minutes and doing the meditation from bed before I get up. 

I have written about my “messy mindfulness” and “imperfect meditation”. And generally, I accept that meditation won’t be “perfect” every time. At least not for me. My mind will wander, and I’ll have to chase it down and bring it back to my breath or whatever affirmation I am supposed to be repeating to myself. I have accepted this and even found my own kind of zen in it. 

Yet, as I have been meditating from my bed in the morning, my mind wandering while I attempt to match my breath, ignore my dog’s impatient paw taps, focus on the guided meditation prompts, and not fall back to sleep I have been feeling like more of a fraud then usual. Sure, my meditate-everyday-streak is going great! But, is there even any point doing it or maintaining it if I am doing it from bed and feeling distracted more days than not? 

Well, still I do it. I am sure my dedication is partially out of fear that someone will somehow know if I don’t keep a perfect streak (though I doubt my doggo would tell if it meant getting fed 10 minutes faster), and then I will be branded the fraud and inconsistent P.O.S. who is unable to follow through with anything that I truly am. (Wow, that’s a lot. A bit dramatic, even for me).  But I also stick to the steak because I just like it. Even when I don’t want to do it because an extra 10 minutes of sleep seems more appealing, I still feel better and more ready to start the day having done it. I really do believe that it turns me down a few notches for the day, which I think is good for everyone. Even if it doesn’t “count”, it makes me feel better. And isn’t that exactly the point anyway?

Yes! The answer is yes! Tara Schuster confirmed this to me through her book. (Thanks, Tara! Or Ms.Schuster or T$, all respect on your name. I promise I will buy the book myself once I read it – see the above reasoning). Schuster explains that for meditation to be “successful” you don’t need to do anything perfectly or completely clear your mind, the whole point is to “have enough mental space to keep some control of your emotions and beliefs” (Schuster 2023). Which coincidentally enough is EXACTLY what I told my therapist that meditation does for me when explaining how I “processed” a stress dream I had a few nights before reading this chapter. So, there. Tara Schuster says I am doing meditation right. And that is good enough for me. 

2. Let Them Figure It Out Themselves: You don’t have to cannot be responsible for everyone and everything 

Once secure in my imperfect, good-enough meditation routine, I transferred my concerns to all the things I need to finish and do before I leave my job. (Oh yeah, did I mention I am in the middle of transitioning jobs, which is apparently listed as one of the most stressful life events, well I am.) 

I have not documented all my processes, so I guess I have to do that, so the next person knows what to do. Although, I have managed with very little direction…. And then, there are files I want to tidy up and reporting to finish before I go. And I want to set the organization up for success, so I’ll try to create templates of everything I have been doing, so they can plug and play and….then there are the last-minute projects that it would be great to “get in before I leave” 

So there I was, going into the office on a Saturday for “just a little bit” to try to finish some processes and templates to leave in a neat and easy-to-follow file, when it hit me. I was exhausted. But, there is so much to do. I won’t have time to finish it all this week before my last day, not all the additional last-minute projects and the preparation to tie everything up in a neat and tidy little bow… 

And in that moment of overwhelm and exhaustion, I realized that there would never be enough time for all of it. Even if I had devoted my entire weekend to it, there would still be things other people would need to pick up or clean up after I leave. And that’s okay. I can just let them. It isn’t my job to control or figure out how my job will be done after I leave. 

This is something  I have been working on reconciling with myself when it comes to my family as well. I struggle with feeling an outsized responsibility for making sure everything and everyone is okay, happy, and getting along. And, I can’t. It isn’t my responsibility. It is theirs. This is still a work in progress, but I want to share it here in case anybody else (any eldest daughters out there maybe?) needs to hear it. 

3. Recovering “High-Achiever”: You don’t always have to meet their (or your) expectations

Much of the pressure around these responsibilities comes from real or perceived expectations from others and from myself. 

Ever since I can remember, I feel like I have had this sense of heavy expectations from others that eventually (quickly) translated into my own expectations of myself. It started off as well-meaning compliments from adults “She is so smart”, “She is going to really go places”, “She’ll change the world one day”. (Umm I don’t know if you have noticed the state of the world lately, but that seems like quite a hefty lift.)

As I got older, it was the acceptance into “Gifted and Talented” programs, the advanced placement course, paired with the “ at least we never have to worry about you” comments. The easy proclamations of “Well, it just comes so easy to you” of adults and peers who never saw the tears of frustration as I erased holes into my math homework pages. (Nothing is easy. Everything is hard and terrifying. Someone give me my Academy Award for fooling everyone into believing otherwise, please!)

And now, the expectations are handed out in the unspoken, “She can lead that”, “Have her handle it” as more projects are put on my desk, or in the way all eyes turn towards me when something is needed- big, beady, expectant, the silent “You got that, right?” hits so loud. 

With three decades of build-up, the expectation that I can and will has been ingrained into me so deeply that it has become a part of my identity, a point of pride. “She’ll handle it? “Well, yes I will. Thank you!”

It has come to a point where now some of these expectations are self-inflicted and self-directed. I expect that they will expect me to do something, so before it is even asked or spoken, I volunteer. I want to show my worth and prove myself, so I raise my hand. Afterall, if I want to “have it all”, I must be willing to do it all, right? 

And so, this weekend in addition to my work and family obligations I felt the weight of a community event I was expected at. Then there was the internet service comparison I tasked myself with because a responsible, frugal individual like myself would be sure I am getting the best deal. The mail fliers with their special limited-time offers keep insisting I am, in fact, not. All of this in addition to the regular (self-inflicted) weekend expectations of homemade coffee, homemade breakfast, quality time with the doggo and BF, this very blog post, the list could go on…

This weekend, as the pressure built, I realized that with all I had expected of myself, I wasn’t bringing my best to any of it. After doing a bit of work in the office, I decided the rest would wait for this week and whatever gets done will get done and what doesn’t will be passed on. Then, while visiting my dad to help him with some computer thing (that I did not in fact figure out) I decided I was not going to make it to the community event this weekend. I would send my donation and a “sorry I missed you”, and would make the next one. There are other ways I bring value and can contribute to the work being done. Finally, instead of hopping out of bed at 5 am this morning, I gradually got up (after my good-enough meditation), fed the doggo, and started on coffee. Then I crawled back in bed and watched an episode of the True Crime series Worst Roommate Ever before hopping up to continue my morning routine. 

By letting go of all the expectations (real and perceived), I actually met expectations of my own that had been stifled and muted, overpowered, and shouted over by my inner critic’s demands on my time and energy. Maybe some people were or will be disappointed, it happens. But, it won’t be the end of the world or the end of me. As Tara Schuster says in her book, “There is a certain wisdom in living a life that doesn’t kill you” (Schuster 2023). There she goes again, validating my decision to not get eaten up and swallowed by perfectionism and overwhelm. 

And so, somewhere in this rambling post that Chat GPT (and probably most people) will think is too long (thanks to all of you who stayed with me on this journey), is my reflection of how allowing myself to embrace imperfection and let go of the overwhelming expectations has been a true lesson in low-key thriving. This past week, I found peace and validation in doing things on my own terms and a reminder that “thriving” doesn’t always mean doing everything perfectly or meeting everyone’s expectations—sometimes, it just means doing what you can, where you are, with what you have. Here’s to all of us finding our own ways to low-key thrive in the midst of life’s chaos. And a HUGE thank you to Tara Schuster for validating it all in perfect timing. Enjoy your lilies and bread! 

References:

Schuster, T. (2023). Glow in the Fcking Dark: Simple Practices to Heal Your Soul, From Someone Who Learned the Hard Way*. The Dial Press. ISBN 978-0-593-24310-7​ (Penguin Random House)​​ (PublishersWeekly.com)​.

P.S A link to a Spotify playlist I made for us Eldest Daughters or anyone else trying their best to get through this life handling it all.